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Subject:Too Much of Not Enough
Time:02:35 am
I ran though the halls of her, my feet pounding hard on steel. He was closing me in. Keeping me trapped in small confines. The math tried to show me his error. Miscalculation. Mistake. Wrong. It was wrong, he didn't know it. I knew it. Knew it inside. Things mixing in my brain. Ideas forming. Molding into nothing again.

Why was he so cruel. Mean. Disparaging. Against it all. I stopped short in the middle of my stride. Breathing thready. Ravaging my lungs for air. Too much of not enough. I turned my body pressing my back to her sides. Walls holding me up. Supportive, and solid. Steady. I needed to be steady. Let things work out again. Equations equating to nothing anymore. The space was his, but mine as well. There was no way around it. Could hear them still. She makes no sense. Speaks lies. He has these thoughts. Says those words. No way around it.

I slide down to the floor back still against the wall until my heels touch the backs of my thighs. Tip toes, arched and aching from the run. Dusty and dirty. Soiled with everyone's paths. I just wanted to be like them. Normal. Conflicted. Unable to express what I feel. I can't though. Can't make it stop. All I do is feel. The words just spill from me. No remorse. No recourse for my actions. No reset.

I close my eyes and just sit there. Still and quiet. Only the hum of the engines, and the steady stream of air from the life support systems. I want to be like this. Calm. Limited by my own actions. Making myself still. His words would cut into my thoughts though. Sharp like his knives. Cruel like his intentions. Wicked were his words. I just need to be free. Safe. Secure and protected. If he could only see what his emotions were capable of doing. I stood up again, and made my way to my space. Still hungry, but can't go back. The noise and lack of space would be unbearable.

I climbed in and moved to my bed. I lay down, easing my head onto folded hands resting upon folded blankets. I closed my eyes to try to rest. Just for a moment make myself quiet again.

((open to anyone coming to River's room))
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_notahero_
Link:(Link)
Time:2005-02-17 07:11 am (UTC)
The doctor seemed a mite distracted when I looked in on him. Said he'd check up on River as soon as he was ready. From the looks of things he'd been working on a new mix of the drugs used to make her less crazy in the head. Not that they seemed to be helping as much as they oughta.

Should've just left it at that, but seeing how Simon was making no move to leave the sickbay, I grudgingly went to see if River was in her quarters, and not in the hold or somewhere dangerous for her to be.

I slowly slid her door open, and she was in there, resting with her knees tucked up and arms folded around her like she was cold. Tried to pull the door back closed as quiet as I could, but she opened her eyes and caught me.

"Uhh...I know it's your space, weren't going to come in or nothin'. It's just that Mal told me to check in on ya. Your brother'll be along in a minute. We're taking off real soon, so stay in here where it's safe. Dong ma?" I tried not to sound too gruff, since she'd been acting all flighty around me earlier.
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aint_quiteright
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Time:2005-02-17 09:07 am (UTC)
Ready soon. She will roam the skies free again soon. The noises slow in my mind a bit. Resting for a moment my breathing slows. Stillness on the out. Stillness within. Moments pass and I feel it. The change. The shift. Numbers clicking into place. The math changing on me again. I can't move. No escaping the future River. The air is colder now. The warmth drawing away from my body. Like ice. Molecules moving slower, circulation slowing. Creeping in on me.

I pull myself inward more. Retain the warmth. Create comfort. Heavy steps again fill my head. Timid rabbit knows not why he comes here. Shadow falls upon my door. It slides open and he enters. The math is wrong.

"Uhh...I know it's your space, weren't going to come in or nothin'. It's just that Mal told me to check in on ya. Your brother'll be along in a minute. We're taking off real soon, so stay in here where it's safe. Dong ma?"

I glance up at him. Air is still cold but the equation is computing in my head. He speaks of space again. It is so important to him, yet the constant disregard for his own rules creates riddles to me. Perhaps he doesn't see it. I can only show him so much. Don't show your work. Get poor marks for math in your head. Need to prove the answer before you get the credit.

"I stay in my space, never said you couldn't break the rules. Didn't make the rules. You made them. Wrote them up, made them breakable did you?"

I sat up stretching myself outward again. The warmth leaving my center of gravity. The balance is out of shift. I can feel it. Ready soon she says. I try to sort out the rules. Rules are needed. Boundaries defined. Limits set. Lines in the sand. Borders. All broken with these steps. Steps he took to this spot. Unknown reasons.

"Here is safe. Protected. Do you watch over me Jayne? Make it right with your breakable rules? The math doesn't allow it... but you do. Why is the conflict set this way?"

I stand up moving a single small step closer to him. Testing limits. Rules and theories. Where is the line drawn in the sand. If this is my space, then my lines are bending. Shifting like light around a corner. Surrounding me. Closing me in. Boxed again. Does not move away. Stays in fear. Stays for reasons he does not comprehend. Silly rabbit.
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_notahero_
Link:(Link)
Time:2005-02-19 10:22 pm (UTC)
"I stay in my space, never said you couldn't break the rules. Didn't make the rules. You made them. Wrote them up, made them breakable did you?"

I stare at her hard, trying to make sense of her words. I wrote up some rules? Well, I guess I did when I told her to stay out of my space and all. Kinda hard to totally stick to it on a cramped ship though, I reckon.

"I ain't breakin' them. Just stretchin' them a bit. I figure we can steer clear of each other unless its real important, like the captain sending me to make sure you're tucked in and ready to leave. No reason why we can't give permission either. That's still fair ain't it? And a mite more civilised." I toed the threshold, my hands coming to rest on either side of the door frame.

She sat up real quick, and started staring off into space. I wondered what her screwed up brain was telling her. Fanciful thoughts no doubt, strange notions that could get people into a alot of hot water if they weren't careful.

"Here is safe. Protected. Do you watch over me Jayne? Make it right with your breakable rules? The math doesn't allow it... but you do. Why is the conflict set this way?"

Protected? What did she need to be protected from except those hundan with the blue hands she kept yapping on about? And the feds, I guess. Well, alright she did have a point. I seen what was done on Ariel, and I didn't want to meet up with them neither.

"Watch over ya? Nah mei guan shi. That's your brother's job, him being family. Me, I'm just doing my duty as part of the crew. Just like I'm securing cargo. Nothin' personal about it. And conflict? Well, that's a loaded word that is..."

River put her feet down on the floor and stood up, took a step towards the door. She tryin' to intimidate me? Test those rules we been talkin' about? I held my ground. Hadn't stepped a foot inside her room. Ain't done nothin' wrong. I took a deep breath, and then let it out in a rush, looked down at my boots for a few seconds before tilting my head up to look her in the eye.

"Look, if I was short with you before, don't pay it any mind. I was out of sorts, and you scared the se-niou outta me when you crept up like that... Like some ghost or something... So, I ain't plannin' any conflict with you, okay?"



Nah mei guan shi = It's nothing like that.
se-niou =piss/shit
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aint_quiteright
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Time:2005-02-21 08:24 am (UTC)
I watched him, unsure of his own words. They lie to him. Make him uneasy. Unfit. Unaware. He tries to make the words make sense to himself. Like they are tricks of decpetion.

"Watch over ya? Nah mei guan shi. That's your brother's job, him being family. Me, I'm just doing my duty as part of the crew. Just like I'm securing cargo. Nothin' personal about it. And conflict? Well, that's a loaded word that is..."

I moved in closer to him. The limits had been set. He was steadfast in the doorway. A new door. Sturdy. Barring me in. Keeping me from the outside. Trapt. Secluded and tucked away. Tucked in he claimed. Sleep is not for me these days though. The sounds and noises creep into my own thoughts.

He glanced at his feet. Checking that he had not moved. That they were still where he had set them. Not moving any closer to things he couldn't admit to just yet. I smiled as he looked back up at me.

"Look, if I was short with you before, don't pay it any mind. I was out of sorts, and you scared the se-niou outta me when you crept up like that... Like some ghost or something... So, I ain't plannin' any conflict with you, okay?"

Apologetic. Thoughtful notions from a man so harsh before. Words in opposition of before. I looked him over, trying to sort out what to do. He though of me as ghost like, yet I was flesh and bone. Here. Present. Accounted for.

"I didn't creep up. I was already there. You were the one creeping up. Being in places you weren't meant to be."

I moved to touch his face, but once my hand parted the air I hesitated. The movement was blocked by something I had no pretense for. Just as easily as my hand moved through the air upwards I pulled away suddenly. Tucking my hand within the other's palm. There was something wrong. I just didn't want to hear it anymore. Arguements. Hurtful words. Broken things. Not right with it all. She told me and I listened. I took a few steps back in warning almost.

"Not a ghost... she is a shadow."
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_notahero_
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Time:2005-02-21 08:58 am (UTC)
"I didn't creep up. I was already there. You were the one creeping up. Being in places you weren't meant to be."

River was giving me that accusing stare again, dark eyes boring into me. I bristled a little at that. After all, I'd had as much right to be in the engine room as she had. And I wouldn't have gummed up the works or taken something important like she might've done.

Then her hand came up, and I froze. What the guay was she doing? Was she going to shoo me away? Or something else that doesn't bear thinking about?

Then she flinched, and stepped back from me, face cloudin' over, all distracted, like she was listening voices only she could hear.

Thought maybe I'd scared her again, the way she was backing up so quick.

"Not a ghost... she is a shadow."

She was speaking in riddles again, well, stuff I couldn't make heads nor tails of at any rate. I wondered if Simon was going to come soon to tend her, before she got violent or started bawling. Neither of which I had a mind to be present for.

"Hey! River. You gonna be okay?" I called out to her, trying to focus her attention on me. "Uhh...should I go get Simon?"
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aint_quiteright
Link:(Link)
Time:2005-02-21 09:34 am (UTC)
He didn't know. Couldn't know. Nothing was right with him. All mixed signals it was too much. I wanted to stop it. Jayne stood there confused. Worried. Didn't want the girl to break. Break down. Shut down. Closed off. I couldn't sort any of it anymore.

"Hey! River. You gonna be okay? Uhh...should I go get Simon?"

I snapped my head upwards staring at him again. He brought my focus to him with his questions. Bringing attention to himself. The center of my gravity shifting, I lean my weight all on one side of me letting my head tilt to examine him again. What did I miss. Passed over. I couldn't sort it out. There were too many conflicting choices. Paths to take not taken.

"No."

The remark was sharp. Cut through the air like his knives. I shift my wieght back, center returning to where it was. Steady. Stable. My head returns to gaze at him from an even level.

"Simon does not understand. Tries to fix what is not broken. The girl is not broken. All my pieces are here. I fit together."

I turn to face the back wall and see the rag that Jayne had his eye on. Perched on the corner of my bed. I stole it away. It was wanted and I had taken it. I started to laugh a bit. I covered my mouth trying to keep the secret within. It wanted out though. I couldn't keep it in much longer.
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_notahero_
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Time:2005-02-21 10:59 am (UTC)
"No.

I blinked at her for a second. Never heard her speak so harsh before, even if it were just the one word.

Simon does not understand. Tries to fix what is not broken. The girl is not broken. All my pieces are here. I fit together."

Huh. If she weren't broken then what was she? Strangest gal I'd ever met, and probably would ever meet.

"Well, if you say so..." I began cautiously, then River turned to look at something, and I followed her gaze. That's when I saw it. A patch of bright yellow on her bed. A chamois rag. Kaylee's rag, the one I'd taken and then put back because of River.

"Bù kê néng!" I exlaimed, and without thinking I stalked over to it, and grabbed it, wrapping it around my fist and holding up to her face.

"You little magpie. Make me feel like a heel for wanting to borrow it, and here it is, plain as day. You took it. Stole it. Just like you told me not to. Guess that makes you a hypocrite." I spat at her, then tossed the rag to the floor.

"Miss high-falootin' princess, got a klepto streak, huh? Now I got one of your secrets. And I'll make a space for it in my brain for you." I jabbed at my head with a leering grin. "Think you're better'n me? That rag proves you're not. Nothing like a level playing field."

Then before she could move, I reached out and deliberately touched the side of her cheek. Floutin' my own rules and proving a point. I had a measure of her now. Not so pure and simple was our River. I chuckled and then left her to 'her space'.

For some reason I was in a better mood than I'd been for a long time.
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