I ran though the halls of her, my feet pounding hard on steel. He was closing me in. Keeping me trapped in small confines. The math tried to show me his error. Miscalculation. Mistake. Wrong. It was wrong, he didn't know it. I knew it. Knew it inside. Things mixing in my brain. Ideas forming. Molding into nothing again.
Why was he so cruel. Mean. Disparaging. Against it all. I stopped short in the middle of my stride. Breathing thready. Ravaging my lungs for air. Too much of not enough. I turned my body pressing my back to her sides. Walls holding me up. Supportive, and solid. Steady. I needed to be steady. Let things work out again. Equations equating to nothing anymore. The space was his, but mine as well. There was no way around it. Could hear them still. She makes no sense. Speaks lies. He has these thoughts. Says those words. No way around it.
I slide down to the floor back still against the wall until my heels touch the backs of my thighs. Tip toes, arched and aching from the run. Dusty and dirty. Soiled with everyone's paths. I just wanted to be like them. Normal. Conflicted. Unable to express what I feel. I can't though. Can't make it stop. All I do is feel. The words just spill from me. No remorse. No recourse for my actions. No reset.
I close my eyes and just sit there. Still and quiet. Only the hum of the engines, and the steady stream of air from the life support systems. I want to be like this. Calm. Limited by my own actions. Making myself still. His words would cut into my thoughts though. Sharp like his knives. Cruel like his intentions. Wicked were his words. I just need to be free. Safe. Secure and protected. If he could only see what his emotions were capable of doing. I stood up again, and made my way to my space. Still hungry, but can't go back. The noise and lack of space would be unbearable.
I climbed in and moved to my bed. I lay down, easing my head onto folded hands resting upon folded blankets. I closed my eyes to try to rest. Just for a moment make myself quiet again.
((open to anyone coming to River's room))
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