?

Log in

[icon] Selfishness. - Objects in Space
View:Recent Entries.
View:Archive.
View:Friends.
View:Profile.
View:Website (Objects in Space).

Security:
Subject:Selfishness.
Time:08:21 pm
Current Mood:thoughtful
Kaylee left Mal's quarters feeling as though the entire situation had been left unresolved. Frowning the whole way, she walked from the crew quarters to the galley with her hands in her pockets, her eyes trained on her feet and the floor in front of them as she walked. She felt a little guilty, something she hadn't realized when she'd been talking to Mal. She had spent a lot of time explaining how she was concerned for his feelings and his wellbeing. She knew full well that his feelings, at least where Inara (or any woman, for that matter) was concerned, were none of her business. She had gone ahead and made it her business. Now she was beginning to realize that it really hadn't been her place. She had already known that she shouldn't stick her nose where it didn't belong, that she shouldn't meddle in other people's affairs, particularly her captain's. The full meaning of that just hadn't really sunk in until now.

She felt rotten by the time she reached the galley, slumping into a seat at the far end of the table, not bothering to get up and get herself some breakfast. She wasn't hungry anymore. While part of her really was concerned about Mal and his wellbeing, and how Inara's leaving would effect him, she now knew that most of what she had said had been projection. It had been her feelings she was most worried about, not Mal's. She shut her eyes and groaned, directing her face towards the table and resting her forehead in her hands. Some part of her wished that Mal could do something to make Inara stay. Some part of her wished, maybe even knew that if the right strings were pulled... he could have that kind of power.

But he wouldn't do it. He wouldn't make Inara stay... and Kaylee was beginning to realize that he shouldn't. No matter how much she hated the idea of Inara leaving, the choice was Inara's and noone else's. Kaylee was beginning to realize how selfish she'd been... how selfish she still was.

She didn't know how she could make things better for herself, or for Mal, or for anyone else. All she knew was that she had to talk to Inara just once more before they parted ways for good.

((Open to anyone!))
comments: Leave a comment Previous Entry Share Next Entry


aint_quiteright
Link:(Link)
Time:2005-02-03 07:37 am (UTC)
Jayne needed his own space. I repeated it over an over in my head trying to make it stick. Things fall away from me so often. Away and further down the line. I let her lead me away from herself. The warmth at my back, her cool steel at my feet. Tips of toes to backs of heels led me to my space. Tiny warm I know this place.

From my hand I take the cloth. Something I should not want. Jayne took it. Placed it back. Made it where it belongs. She told me to keep it. Don't be cross. Not s'posed to be my own. I knew this. Stillness in me kept it quiet. Not to shout it out. Proclaim disownership. People are returning one by one. Into her. Filling the space between the empty breaths.

I move back into the halls. They seem so endless. Going on for infinity, making me feel so small. So insignificant. Steady. Safe now. No worries. I breath in the air holding it in me. Filling me with something more than what I was a moment earlier. I let it out in one breath. Loud and funny sounding. Smiling I begin to move through her again.

Fingers tracing an imaginary mapped path on the walls. The map leads to nowhere. This map takes me everywhere. I turn the corner and I feel her. Kaylee. Small tiny. Powerless. She wants what she cannot have. Concern. Worry. Fear. Lonely. I let my hands run the lenght of the doorframe. My arm extended above my head fingers latched onto the highest edge I could find I rested my head to my arm. I could become part of her if she would let me. Fit so easily in small spaces.

I felt my foot move from the floor trailing along my other foot, up my ankle dragging along my skin until the arch rested aside my knee. Part of the door now. Blocking. Restricting. Can't get in. Can't let out. Deal with it. Here. Now.

"Things can't always be fixed. Broken pieces with so much glue... never make the vase shiny again."

Kaylee looked up at me and I smiled. She was broken, things need to be fixed.
(Reply) (Thread)


gurtsler_girl
Link:(Link)
Time:2005-02-04 01:57 am (UTC)
"Things can't always be fixed. Broken pieces with so much glue... never make the vase shiny again."

Kaylee looked up to find River standing in the doorway, leaning against the doorjamb and looking almost as though she had become part of the ship. For a brief moment, Kaylee thought of their encounter with Early and all that River had said that night concerning her relationship with the ship itself -- then dismissed it.

She forced a small smile for the younger girl, something she didn't have to do very often. Normally, the smiles came easily, willingly.

Not so much today.

"And what's broken today?" she asked. For the most part, she was still unable to decipher River's riddles, but for some reason, she thought that if she gave it a few moments, she might understand this one just fine... maybe even a little too well. She didn't feel like dwelling on it. Broken things... there were a lot of broken things aboard Serenity. A lot of broken people.

She hated to admit it, but at times like this, she was definitely one of them. Maybe even more than she knew.

"You hungry? Want some breakfast? I'll make something," Kaylee went on, moving to get up from the table.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


aint_quiteright
Link:(Link)
Time:2005-02-04 08:09 am (UTC)
Kaylee looked at me, trying to see the pieces that made the girl. Tiny parts that aren't my own anymore. Her smile crept across her lips and gave a glimpse of the hope she still held in her heart. Hope for a new day. Hope for others.

Are you okay?"

Everything. Nothing. Everyone.

I kept close to the doorframe letting my head rest easily. I watched her. Trying to sort it out. Figure out the riddle within my head. Can't hear it. Won't understand it. Wants so much happiness for so many others.

"Paths broken. Lines running across everyone, never meeting in the end. Always empty inside..."

I let my voice trail off. It didn't matter. They all had to sort it on their own terms. Make amends their own ways. Find their own maps.

I glanced around the table, searching for something. I saw Jayne's knife and belongings. Kaylee thought I was searching for something else.

"You hungry? Want some breakfast? I'll make something,"

I looked up at her as she moved away from the table set off to get something to eat. I would have eaten. Could have. But the space. The space was claimed. Not mine. His.

"Can't. Jayne needs his space. Won't intrude. Crossing the lines. Paths tangle up, and can't come undone. Undone like the girl."

I smiled at her. Confused she was. I pointed to Jaynes knives, lying out on the table.

"Jaynes. Already his space. I am to stay away. He refrains from pulling my tongue out of the pretty skull of mine. I stay away. He does the same. Two parts. Two halves. One whole. All the same I stay away."

I shifted my body letting it slide down the frame until I was seated at the steps, hugging her walls keeping her close. Kept me safe. Saved me. Saves us all. Kaylee too.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)

zoes_pofu
Link:(Link)
Time:2005-02-04 08:29 am (UTC)
Okay, that was one heck of an outing. I mean, I went topside to get something nice for Zoe, and maybe take in the sights, and I ended up getting stabbed in the back and marvelling at the weird and wonderful conundrum that is Shepherd Book. For a priestly guy he sure had some shuai moves. Once we were free and clear of our would-be robbers, I'd let out a low whistle and thanked him for being there to save my soft little pigu from getting permanently squished.

He'd inspected my wound and pronounced in a droll voice that I would live. Good to know. Then all the way back I'd bugged him about teaching me some hand to hand combat. I think he'd already been witness to my total lack of skills in the area of... well the sort of stuff Mal and Jayne and even Zoe excelled at. I was the pilot, the guy with nerves of steel when it came to flying Serenity through a keyhole canyon, but nerves of jelly when it came to any kind of violence.

I was tired of having to hide behind my wife whenever we got into a jam. I wanted to create a new improved version of me. Still lovable of course, but with a slightly more commanding presence. Wash the Protector of all that's Good and Holy...had a nice ring to it.

Book, after fifteen minutes of my incessant whining and pleading finally agreed to give me some lessons. I think he agreed just so that I'd shut my trap and leave him in piece for a while. I made him promise to teach me in secret, so I could surprise Zoe later.

We boarded Serenity and I headed towards the galley, mostly because people tended to gather there, and also because I was hoping Simon would be there and could patch me up before Zoe caught wind as to what'd happened. Book had handed me the bag of spice I'd been looking at when I'd had my wallet stolen. He was good like that, remembered the important things.

I almost stumbled over River who was perched on the steps to the kitchen.

"Whoa, there little lady, big clumsy hundan coming on through. And perhaps in need of a sit down." I tried not to wince too much at the sharp pull I'd felt in my back when I'd righted myself again.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


aint_quiteright
Link:(Link)
Time:2005-02-04 09:44 am (UTC)
Kaylee looked at me with a look of shock. I am not sure if she heard me. Perhaps she heard and did not know. Truths bent into places they didn't belong.

I heard footsteps echoing behind me. They were returning to her. Within her walls safety and comfort. One less. Left behind. Wash headed our way. More to fill the space that wasn't my own.

"Whoa, there little lady, big clumsy hundan coming on through. And perhaps in need of a sit down."

He stumbled into the galley with the rest. I blocked the path. Another broken line. Hiding in secret something not mine. Kind words finding their way to me through all the mystery and intrigue. I smiled at him as he made his way to a seat. Full of emotions, and hope. Much more than Kaylee. Loved. Trusting. Faithful. Loyal. All things for her.

"I do as told by those who need their own space. Not to disturb. Not to intrude. Right where I belong. Here."
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


_notahero_
Link:(Link)
Time:2005-02-05 07:53 am (UTC)
Came into the galley first, people were always passin' through there on their way to other parts of the ship. Figured starting there with the round up was as good as any.

As I strode in I spied Wash seated at the table, with Kaylee close by too.

"Good, you're back. Go get the ship prepped, ma shong. Captain wants to head out in twenty." I gestured behind me. Wash looked at me for a moment like he was gonna give me some lip, then sighed and nodded and started to leave the room, a mug of coffee in his hand. "Where's Zoe?"

Wash turned back and shrugged.

"She was in the hold when we got back on board, was checking for pressure leaks."

I nodded and waved him away. What the quay was that red stain on the back of his hawaiian shirt though? I glanced at the preacher, who was unpacking groceries, and who I'd presumed had gone with Wash to the market.

"He get a scratch or something?" I asked, not caring all that much whether he answered or not.

"Kaylee, need ya to go check on the engine, and make sure everything is ready to go." I moved closer, and tried to whisper so River couldn't hear me. "River was in there, and I don't rightly know if she took anything or fiddled with a bunch of stuff, but you might want to double check before we break for atmo."

I noticed River crouching close by, and she was staring at my kit of knives.

"Tzao-gao!" I quickly moved to scoop 'em up. I needed to quit doing that when River was around. Didn't want no more stitches on account of her liking to see me, or one of the other crew in 'red'.

"Where's your brother gone to?" I asked gruffly. "I don't want to have to waste time tracking him down."
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


aint_quiteright
Link:(Link)
Time:2005-02-05 06:49 pm (UTC)
Jayne walked in. Heavy steps. Not trusting. Not wanting to be who he isn't. Notices others, and free of a burden he did not want. Part of the crew. Not part of a team.

"Good, you're back. Go get the ship prepped, ma shong. Captain wants to head out in twenty. Where's Zoe?"

"She was in the hold when we got back on board, was checking for pressure leaks."


She is fine. Tells me all is okay, parts in the right. Pieces not drifting away into nothing. He notices the red. Marks of hurtful intent. Proof of lacking safety.

"He get a scratch or something?"

Question without concern. Worry without commitment. Spoken words are the ones that are meant to be heard.

"Kaylee, need ya to go check on the engine, and make sure everything is ready to go. River was in there, and I don't rightly know if she took anything or fiddled with a bunch of stuff, but you might want to double check before we break for atmo."

Secrets. He holds them. Holds them like knives. Protecting himself from things he does not understand. I see them. Lying in wait for one who would need them. Use them for their purpose. Jayne glances to me, eyes meeting. Trouble set in my own. Worry growing in his. Glances to what is his, not mine.

"Tzao-gao!"

He moves fast grabbing his knives. I let laughter escape from me. His actions are silly. Pointless. They are just things. They don't belong to me. Don't belong to her. I clap my hand over my mouth to keep the noise inside. The laughter stops and I am sure he is wary of me once again. I minded his rules. Arbitrary. Useless. Unneeded.

"Where's your brother gone to? I don't want to have to waste time tracking him down."

"Not his keeper. He acts on his own. Looking out for me. Keeps me safe, in my space, not yours. She tells me he is in his space. All in a row. Aligned for all to see, but none speak what they ought to. Words hidden like Simon from view. Broken pieces all meeting up to form nothing one more time."

I slid up along the wall again, my motions fluid and slow. I kept my eyes to him. He was watching me. Actions. Motions. On guard.

"Kaylee, nothing was taken from the engine. Nothing belongs to me in there. I went for space. I went for warmth. She is calming. You take good care of her. Jayne wanted his space. Two objects cannot occupy the same space if the matter is not allowed to seek a similar state of being. The math won't allow it. The math..."

I let my voice trail off as equations of particle density and mass flowed through my mind. Racing trying to solve the problem. Jayne was the problem. Not allowing space to be cohabitational. I didn't want to have to understand. Why was it his space. Did he claim ownership. It did not matter. The matter cannot stake claim over an area that does not belong to them. Common barriers and common rules. All allowed in the same manner. All allowed. All. Time spent in any space at any rate of time, would be congruant to the amount of space each entity is given. The math doesn't allow it.

I pressed myself hard against the wall, trying to make myself a part of the matter behind me. Make my space into my own. The steel is too cold. Hard. Not pliable. I cannot make it my own. He takes too much space. Too much of it is his. I can't allow it.

I draw my hand up pointing at Jayne, he is too much. Takes what he cannot have. Trembling I cannot stop the equation. It won't help me sort if out. The math is lying to me. Tells me that I am not matter any more.

"Too much.... space that is not his own he claims it. Takes it away. The air. The air is thick, with betrayal and I cannot breathe it anymore. he takes the space away from me. I cannot allow it... can't allow it. Need space. Need to keep his space seperate. Seperate from mine. Not enough space to seperate between. Not enough." I let my voice rise with the words, I would make him understand that I could only hold up part of the agreement. Too much space was at stake.

"Too much at stake. You can't have IT ALL!!"

I dropped my hand to my side and took off down the halls, hoping she had someplace for me. Away from him. I needed the air. I needed to feel free. I couldn't let him cramp me anymore. Pushing me aside. Push me away. Take up more room than he needs.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


_notahero_
Link:(Link)
Time:2005-02-05 09:31 pm (UTC)
"Not his keeper. He acts on his own. Looking out for me. Keeps me safe, in my space, not yours. She tells me he is in his space. All in a row. Aligned for all to see, but none speak what they ought to. Words hidden like Simon from view. Broken pieces all meeting up to form nothing one more time."

I blinked at her, then thought hard about what she'd said, trying to muddle through the sense of it. His space? What would his...

"He's in the infirmary? Why didn't you just say so, instead of rambling on about spaces, and rows and such?"

"Kaylee, nothing was taken from the engine. Nothing belongs to me in there. I went for space. I went for warmth. She is calming. You take good care of her. Jayne wanted his space. Two objects cannot occupy the same space if the matter is not allowed to seek a similar state of being. The math won't allow it. The math..."

She sure was a wordy little gal. Didn't like her mentioning me none though, didn't want the others to get the wrong idea. Any talk about me being alone with River might get back to the captain and then I'd be looking to get keelhauled a second time. Nothing like being on the other side of an airlock and about to break atmo to give a guy like me some perspective things.

"Too much.... space that is not his own he claims it. Takes it away. The air. The air is thick, with betrayal and I cannot breathe it anymore. He takes the space away from me. I cannot allow it... can't allow it. Need space."

Or for...what did it take to make her shut her trap about things? I flicked a nervous glance towards Kaylee, was she understanding this? River was pointing me, and acting all scared. And that word 'betrayal', wasn't one that needed to be bandied about, needed to stay in the past. I took a step forward, holding my hands up and trying to be non-threatening.

"Now, River, calm down...don't know what's eating you, but..."

Again I looked to Kaylee, hoping she'd help me shut River up or comfort her or something.

"Need to keep his space seperate. Seperate from mine. Not enough space to seperate between. Not enough. Too much at stake. You can't have IT ALL!!"

Then River bolted, raced out of the galley like she was on full burn. I stood there, trying to make sense of what she'd been mouthing on about. Then I turned back to Kaylee who was looking at me funny. Awwh hell, I could see those gears working in her pretty little head. And Book was also looking my way, like he was thinking real deep.

"Didn't do nothing to her. I swear." I protested vehemently, throwing my hands up in frustration. "She's just got some crazy notions going on in that skull of hers. Medication's supposed to be working, but I ain't seen a difference, have you?"
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


gurtsler_girl
Link:(Link)
Time:2005-02-12 01:12 am (UTC)
"Didn't do nothing to her. I swear. She's just got some crazy notions going on in that skull of hers. Medication's supposed to be working, but I ain't seen a difference, have you?"

Kaylee had simply stood back and watched the scene unfold, not wanting to interrupt River in -- well, whatever it was that she'd been doing. Honestly, Kaylee didn't think she would have known what to say had she chosen to interrupt. When River started talking... Kaylee had a tendency to find herself transfixed, listening hard to try and decipher whatever riddles River decided to throw out.

"What? Oh." It took her a moment to come back to the present. She was still standing as though she were about to push herself away from the table, and finally she stepped away, looking away from the spot where River had been and turning her attention to Jayne, finally. "I don't know. She seems about the same to me, most of the time... less jumpy, though," she added. That was one thing she had noticed. Since Simon had started River on those medications, she seemed to be just a little more calm than she had been when she first came onboard Serenity. Now it was all quietly crazy babbling.

"I believe you didn't do nothin' to her. She might be a babbler, but she'd say somethin' otherwise. She'd tell me," said Kaylee, fairly self-assured in her role as River's confidante -- or as much as a confidante as River would allow herself to have.

Kaylee then remembered why Jayne had come to the galley in the first place.

"... so we're taking off?" she asked, looking up at him and sinking her hands into the pockets of her jumpsuit, the arms of which were tied securely around her waist. "Guess that means we're done here... Inara's probably all cozy with her new ship and her new shuttle and her new crew and her new mechanic now..."
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)

captain_mal
Link:(Link)
Time:2005-02-12 02:10 am (UTC)
Leaving Zoe and Wash to it, I left the bridge to follow Jayne. He'd only made it to kitchen, where he was standing in extreme idleness with a shifty Kaylee and Book, who was putting sundries into the cupboards. I looked at Jayne, exasperated to find him with his finger up his nose, "Jayne? You couldn't get past the food, what? I thought you were rounding everyone up."

Jayne grumbled and pointed at the empty doorway, "Had ourselves a little River meltdown in here, Mal. But it's fine now, thanks for askin'. Only person I ain't placed is Inara."

"Inara's probably all cozy with her new ship and her new shuttle and her new crew and her new mechanic now..."

I turned to Kaylee, "Wait, what's that? Inara's off the ship already? Really?"

I looked at Jayne and Book for elaboration, god knows why. Kaylee's the one who said it. Kaylee couldn't have accepted Inara just bailing out. In fact, I had my doubts that Inara would make it off the ship without Kaylee grabbing onto her leg like a toddler. I looked at my sullen little greasemonkey, confused, "She clean out her shuttle and all? Left without a goodbye?"
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


gurtsler_girl
Link:(Link)
Time:2005-02-15 02:12 am (UTC)
"She clean out her shuttle and all? Left without a goodbye?"

"Don't know," Kaylee admitted. She shrugged a little, easing into a lazy sort of stance just a few inches away from the kitchen table. "Just figured she'd left us already, I ain't seen her all morning." She was trying hard not to sound bitter, but it was difficult -- far mor difficult than she might have imagined. She was a little surprised at herself for being as hurt and angry as she was. She could have handled being just plain upset. She got upset on a fairly regular basis, given there was something to be upset about, but this was different. She was angry at Inara. Unreasonably so. She was well aware of the fact that she was being unreasonable.

At least she was being quietly unreasonable.

"Think maybe she's holed up in her shuttle still? She's got a lot of things to pack. You seen her today, Captain?"
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)

captain_mal
Link:(Link)
Time:2005-02-16 06:41 pm (UTC)
Kaylee seemed like she was still sore about the row we'd had earlier. Maybe embarrassed. I couldn't pretend to understand the female psyche, even one that seemed to be as uncomplicated as little Kaylee's.

It might be too much to hope that my train of thought didn't play out on my expression. Still, before I could get appropriately stoic, Jayne and Kaylee's eyebrows collectively raised at my initial response. Lan-dan jiang, this was not the time to sell myself out. Better to play it close to the chest than reveal that I gave a mudder's ass one way or the other if she'd gone or not.

I'll admit that it gave me something of a jolt. An unpleasant gut reaction that Inara had just taken off without a word. Then, after the shock, I was almost relieved. If Inara could pull it together to just disappear, I'd be off the hook in many respects. No tearful good-byes. No stares from my crew, no unspoken tension about what I should or shouldn't have said. But then, Kaylee corrected me and I immediately realized that it wasn't in Inara's nature to be impolite. Of course she hadn't left the ship. She couldn't, not without making me feel like utter niou-fu first.

Whatever the case, Kaylee corrected herself, saying that she didn't know, actually. That Inara was probably still getting her things together.

"All right, then. I'll, uh, swing by to let her know our plan. We can't afford to stay here not ten more minutes. Kaylee, I'll need you with the engine. Jayne, make sure the doctor is on board and that River is... tied to something if she need be. Five minutes," I said, managing to gather together some gruffness together. Just in time, because I was starting to appear positively moony. Can't have that in front of the crew.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


_notahero_
Link:(Link)
Time:2005-02-17 06:58 am (UTC)
"I believe you didn't do nothin' to her. She might be a babbler, but she'd say somethin' otherwise. She'd tell me,... so we're taking off?"

I let out a breath of relief to see Kaylee wasn't thinkin' I was doing something unproper with River. Don't know why, but it felt important. I nodded in answer to her question.

"Guess that means we're done here... Inara's probably all cozy with her new ship and her new shuttle and her new crew and her new mechanic now..."

Kaylee sounded all wistful-like, as though she missed Inara already. I s'pose out of any of us, Inara and her were the tightest. I almost reached out to pat her on the shoulder, give what little comfort a man like me can give, but then Mal turned up and started in with the nagging.

"Jayne? You couldn't get past the food, what? I thought you were rounding everyone up."

I gave the captain a pointed look, shrugged and pointed to where River had run off.

"Had ourselves a little River meltdown in here, Mal. But it's fine now, thanks for askin'. Only person I ain't placed is Inara."

Then Kaylee and Mal started going on about whether Inara was still on board or not. Could tell the Captain was still smarting about the whole situation, even if he was trying not to show it. I was about to pipe in that all that needed to be done was to stomp on over to Inara's shuttle and have a gander inside, when Mal decided he'd do just that.

I got the duty of checking on the doc, and miss 'your space, my space'. I scowled at that, not keen on being minder for our stowa-special crew members.

"Aye, aye. Can't wait to get off this gorram rock." I muttered as I left the galley.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)

[icon] Selfishness. - Objects in Space
View:Recent Entries.
View:Archive.
View:Friends.
View:Profile.
View:Website (Objects in Space).